Bill's natural environment

The Epic Tale of Bill (Burke)

by some high school dropout

(Author’s note: the East Ultimate coaching—and playing—corps was thrown into a state of upheaval with the resignation of founding coach Derek Gottlieb and Tina McDowell’s spring sabbatical. Be that as it may, it’s time to update the coach bios, a point driven home fairly recently by a teammate’s question: “who is Got-someone, and where’s Bill?)

(Editor's note: that note was made about a year before this was put up here, so it's even more overdue than the author suggests. It's not my fault, really.)

The summer of 2006 was a trying time for East Ultimate, as leadership changes are rarely seamless. Fortuitously, midst a flurry of questions and nightmares regarding adult leadership, a new hero presented his Patagonia-clad form and proceeded to lead the team to unprecedented success (and build upon its precedented awesomeness). A fittingly epic tale of birth, perseverance, learning to read, trial-by-fire, and corrective eye surgery proceeds this rise to glory and is really too good to be true or completely discarded. As such, read on!

Mr. Burke’s rise to glory began unassumingly enough: he could have been born on any day forgotten to history in any of a number of nameless Boston suburbs. As it happened, he was born on only one day and in only one ‘burb, but this is not particularly important to our narrative, except in that it confirms that he once existed in a certain place at a corresponding time, which sort of circularly confirms the existence of the universe, which is a bit reassuring. Life passed skippingly for the young Burke, and soon he found himself pursuing a post-secondary education—on track for what everyone had assured him would be exciting pay benefits (at least that’s what they told him that bar graph said)—at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.

Such is the first step in this humble future coach’s pedigree. From the perennial powerhouse that was Umass (until everyone started playing ultimate; spoilsports…) Burke sprang to Boston, home to another over-the-hill and questionably clad powerhouse: the Death Or Glory ultimate club. This again doesn’t matter, as the unassuming Burke didn’t play for DOG during his tenure on the East Coast. Soon bored of the hoity-toit and without a completely convincing accent, he was on his way again.

“Ahoy Atlanta!” Mr. Burke (who always was quite fond of alliteration) was heard to shout as he approached his new place of residence. The ATL, he knew held many more exciting, how you say, building blocks of his ultimate and professional career. Here, Atlanta, where clubs were just getting crunk (and OutKast had not yet released a greatest hits album), Burke prepared to try out for ultimate Chain-Lightning-style by horribly destroying his shoulder. Although rebuilt robotically for cat-like reflexes and croc-like strength, our poor hero emerged from rehab with a vicious monkey on his back, known with a shudder in ultimate circles as “co-ed.”

Even relegated to this grimy underworld, however, Burke was a climber. He established himself as a boss to be reckoned with, disallowing a young ultimate player named Adam Simon to pick up with an evil team at a local tournament in the hard and fast name of justice. Passing days working with brain-damaged teens and nights damaging them with just-a-bit-too-leading-ohmygodthat’sacleat-passes (such is the game of job security), Mr. Burke established a first name for himself in Atlanta club ultimate with Rival. The name was Bill.


Bill's alter ego
And so, having firmly planted a Mercurial Vapor on the neck of Southahn ultimate, this newly crowned prince moved on, discontent with humidity and mosquitoes and his now really untraceable accent. “To Colorado! Come!” a voice in his head whispered, “there are teams in need and hounds hot on your trail!” Obeying this voice (if brain damaged teens had taught him anything, it was that inner voices should not be contradicted), Bill Burke moved on. In Denver, beautiful and stately (although, much to its chagrin, not quite worldly) capitol of Colorado he first found a team very much in need: that of the 50-student strong University of Denver high school. Unfortunately, Burke would learn, DUHS needed quite a bit more than his coaching. During this time, however (since karma never takes a break), he’d been making a name for himself with Bad Larry ultimate, which had been quick to take advantage of his bionic arm and slightly gnome-ish stature.

So fortune smiled upon us all, bringing a coach to a team without, the coach to Australia for a relaxing winter, and the team and coach to beautiful Madison, Wisconsin, where both showed striking resolve and skill in playing ultimate and then successfully respiring for sixteen hours after this great outpouring of determination and sweat (and the lovely bouquet thereof). Rejoice, oh readers, celestial bodies, and heavenly creatures! Such a lovely story—such artistry in living and retelling—such yin and yang! Only truth, only exquisite and beautiful truth, could create such a perfect symmetry of and symbiosis in events! Be merry! Look well! The saga is not over!

Anonymous on Bill

"Where's Bill?"

Classic Bill

"Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me."

Joe

by Yours Truly (someone who barely has anything to work with)

Joe has many noteworthy qualities, including:

Anonymous on Joe

"Where's Joe?"

Classic Joe

  • "WOOKA WOOKA!"
  • Pops: Hey, how're you guys fixin' to pay?
    Bill: What are our choices?
    Pops: A: Credit card; B: Cash; C: Sneak out in the middle of the night.
    Joe: We'll take C.
    Pops: Very popular choice.